


DUNGEONS AND DUMBASSES: CHAPTER 0

by GryphSanity



Category: South Park
Genre: Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-17
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-02 03:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5231699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GryphSanity/pseuds/GryphSanity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something large, fast, and metallic is heading straight towards Stark's Pond. And the person driving it is going to have an otherworldly encounter when they finally stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	DUNGEONS AND DUMBASSES: CHAPTER 0

There is nothing calmer than a pond that had only just frozen over. As winter just begins to truly freeze the ground around the mountains, it creates that awkward middle ground where most animals are either gone for migration or simply can’t do anything. No animal gets more annoyed by the frost on a pond’s surface than the human, though.

Being the one body of water near the town, Stark’s Pond was supposed to be the one place to “get away” from it all (Within a convenient mile radius, of course). It seemed to be the one place not affected by pollution, often reflecting a clean shine throughout the year. Few things end up getting dumped into the pond. But even it cannot escape the deepest months of winter. It’s usual shine becomes hazy as it slowly becomes caked with ice.

But again, the middle point of freezing is easily the worst. Boats just become useless, being so small makes them unable to effortlessly brute force through the ice. A couple wanting to watch the stars doesn’t want to bother with that effort. And it’s not like they could go with the alternative. The ice is too fresh. Not yet thick enough for the joy of ice-skating and stability. Nothing alive could be on the pond. Parents would have to pull their excited children along as they walk past it, warning them not to go on it just yet or else they’ll surely drown.

Nighttime was surely the quietest. Not only did the dark make it hard to distinguish the nature around the pond, but the cold also sharpened into a brittle pricking sensation on the skin. Anyone who could cover up enough to fully combat the cold would find themselves quite unable to see the pond by that point. If one can consider “sitting on the couch in your heated house” covering up, that is.

There is nothing like silent sounds becoming loud in an empty space, however. This is often what happens when the rare living thing manages to stroll around the pond. Maybe an animal that wandered from the forests surrounding the pond from a distance. If one finds a particularly peaceful night they might hear something ominous moving in the trees and snow.

The sound of a blotchy black figure moving swiftly through the woods echoed across the pond. It was large and intimidating, an intensely bright shine coming out of its eyes. As it rapidly closed in on the lake, the sound and shape of it became easier to distinguish as it escaped the forest. A jagged growling seemed to stretch on in the body of the box-like creature. It didn’t run, but was in a constant state of trampling plants and anything else small and unfortunate in its path.

But what was not small and unfortunate happened to be the half-buried rock one of its sides bumped into.

For a second nothing happened. But everything seemed to move in slow motion as it slowly swerved and rose to soar in the air. It began to lean spectacularly to one side as it hovered. The bright lights of it’s front stayed in place of the solid object, flashing forward as always. It drifted into a spin.

With a metallic crunch it collided with the ground. The figure haphazardly tossed itself to send it crashing and spinning. Shrapnel, glass, smoke, and snow trailed closely behind the figure as it twirled towards the pond. With another roll it sharply knocked out a part of its shell. A large figure was flung out of the hole as the beast spun carelessly in the air. They landed in the snow and cleanly out of the path of carnage.

The body of the animal whined hoarsely and unnaturally as its body quickly collapsed in on itself from slamming with the ground. Its momentum seemed to be slowing down, at least. It would be too late though, as with one final spin it crashed into the pond and broke through the thin ice on top.

With a pathetic whimper it slid underneath the ice and water, bubbling it’s last breaths of air through metallic lungs. The glow pointing to the sky flickered weakly under the waves it made. With a final flash the headlights finally gave out, obscuring it from sight as it sank to the bottom of the pond.

Back to silence.

The figure that had been flung out of the car twitched weakly on the ground. Lucky or unlucky it landed face first on soft and pillowy, brutally cold and wet snow for a landing. It hacked and wheezed, but couldn’t bring itself to lift up. It stayed in the snow amongst the debris of the recently intact car.

The man shook. He finally felt the cold and bruises from what happened setting in. He let out a breathy gasp, trying to ignore all of that just for a moment of peace and clarity. When it was clear that a moment like that wasn’t coming anytime soon, he put his hands under his chest. He tried to slowly stagger upwards. With a yelp he fell back down.

The man tried to look back at his legs. He would say that they felt broken, but that implied that he could feel them at all. No, part of him were simply too bruised and cold. With a plop, he fell back into the snow, half way accepting where he was. Only the faintest slit of night sky he could see from his snow covered face. The abundance of white engulfing him made him forget the darkness. With a shake of his head he tried to move. Putting one ungloved hand forward, he pulled his body towards the wreck.

Only one hand down, and already a force sharply came against his hand. He let out a yelp from the sudden feeling coming back to his hand. He winced and froze in pain. His heavy breaths tried to calm him down. Looking back at his hand he could only blink, dumbfounded. His hand didn’t hurt from flying out of the car, rather a foot had materialized out of nothing and onto it. Looking up, he noticed it was connected to a leg, which was connected to a torso, which was connected to…

“Greetings.” Another man said with a sickeningly wide grin.

While the bruised man’s head was covered under the snow, to the point where only one of his eyes and tufts of hair under his pink hat were visible, the look of confusion was unmistakable. Where did this man come from?

Truth be told it was plausible that he may just not have spotted him. Raven black hair matching with a simple black sweatshirt and dark grey pants is quite the camouflage at night. Much too lightly dressed for outdoors winter night strolls though. But then again the slightly pale skin, blood red eyes, and bright red metal necklace he had on him could be a dead giveaway. Also, the man seemed to have put his necklace on wrong somehow. The cross on it had been flipped upside down.

He tried to look behind the man stepping on his hand. No footprints in the snow. Was he just conveniently standing here the whole time it snowed? It didn’t seem that way. He didn’t even seem cold. The snow falling down didn’t seem to stick to him. As pale as the man was he had a neat, healthy shine to his face. His smile could use some work, however.

But there was something truly mysterious about the man. Something about him, at the first second the man started talking, that he just couldn’t shake out of his head.

_Why is his voice so high pitched?_

The man bent down, resting his shoulders on his knees and giving a clearer look at his face. “Your ability to not talk is admirable, but you cannot stay silent forever.”

Instead of responding, he simply buried more of his head under the snow.

The man shook his head. “tsk, tsk”-ing at him as he stood up and circled around his body. The man tapped his foot against his back. “You know… The people I see with a death wish don’t dress as well as you have, but…” The man lightly jabbed his side, grazing his bare arms. “They at least dress appropriate to the weather.”

The man stepped back on his hand, preventing him from weakly crawling away. He winced in pain. “Don’t. You’ll just make noise.” The man grinned again, eyes closed. “No need for that if I’m talking, correct?”

The man leaned back down, and tugged at his denim vest. “It is one size too small for you. A normal human mistake, but all these patches are hand sown. Clearly a vest meant for a child more than an older teenager like yourself. It has significance. You’ve used this for an secret escape identity for a long time. Nothing surprising from a man such as you.”

His pupils shrunk to pin sized once he heard escape identity. He shakily turned his head back towards the man, frantic for a clarification.

The man simply shrugged, looking on the verge of a chuckle. The man leaned in uncomfortably close towards his face, still smiling. “…Oh how disappointing it will be when they bury you in a dress.”

His lungs felt like they just collapsed. His already questionable breathing became sharp and painful, rasping in a panic. The man quickly placed a hand on his back to relax him. All of the sudden he felt a warmness spread across his body, calming him down.

“Do not stay silent for much longer, because where you go, I’ll follow.”

He looked at the man warily. He weakly raised his head, showing his feminine face. “…What are you?”

The man’s grin seemed to mellow. “I am somewhat, but not quite fully, half a shadow. Tread lightly, mortal.”

He blinked, a blank look coming over him. After a second or two, he raised his eyebrows in thought. “…Wait… Are you that kid who loudly announced he was the antichrist and turned McCormick into a platypus in my grade school? …Damien?”

Damien frowned immediately. “Reminding me of my recklessness as a child is not treading lightly.”

“Well… sorry, I guess.” He plopped back down into the snow. And looked into the direction of the pond. “I’m just not in a good mindset right now…”

“Yes, I can’t help but find it ironic.” Damien nodded and looked towards the pond as well. “You humans are so obsessed with safety. Of all the times not wearing a seatbelt saved a life and it happened to be yours. The word “funny” comes to mind.” Damien grinned.

He sighed. Breathing heavily, all he could think about was the painful feeling of being bruised and lying in the snow he had. A part of him even felt a little warmer for some reason. Strange. “Y-you want something from me, don’t you? That’s why you’re here?”

Damien raised an eyebrow, knowingly. “Perhaps. Most humans think they can read like books. But they’re not. To creatures like us, you’re read more like pamphlets. We read for what we want, and how to get to it. You may come from a town of rednecks and idiots, but your intelligence and reasoning is unreasonably high.” He looked at the lightly covered car marks in the snow. “…Most of the time.” Damien grinned evilly.

He sighed. His eyes suddenly opened up, though. “Wait, does that mean you-!”

“No. Definitely not.” Damien reassured him. “I’ve merely been an observer. That hollowness, worthlessness, and other attitudes that drove you to do this came naturally to you.” He tapped his chin. “Well, as natural as the opinions and beliefs of mountain town folk shoved down your throat, but still.”

He narrowed his eyes. “…You could be l-lying.”

Damien cocked his head. “Very true.” He wagged his finger. “But if I include it in the contract you’ll know then, won’t you? There’s no need to worry on your end.”

His mouth curled. “Contract?”

“Quite a simple one really. All I want…” He extended an arm out for a handshake. “…Is a subordinate.”

Damien was met with a hesitant stare. “…A-and if I refuse?”

“Let’s see.” Damien rubbed his chin. “Certainly you’re much too weak to carry yourself back to town. Really only enough energy to drag yourself into that pond. You’re in indoor summer clothing outside in winter. It’s snowing. I apologize for refusing to carry you back, but not really.”

“So k-kill myself, freeze to death, s-sign a contract with the antichrist, or bet on the im-p-possible chance that someone will find me before I d-die…”

Damien shrugged, smiling. “I have to be fair, after all.”

I… I don’t know what to do. He turned to stare into the snow. _I just… I just want to-_

“May I give a recommendation?” Damien said.

“Hmm?”

“The only scenario where your body isn’t found would be the contract. If I know anything of similar cases like you…” He leaned in to whisper in his ear. “One of the worst regrets is letting a body be found and dressed up. You don’t have to deal with that. I believe you simply want to leave, is that right? Nothing wrong with a man doing that.”

“…W-what’s on the contract?”

Damien pulled back his arm. And placed one hand under his shoulder, letting that arm’s hand under his chin. “Well, in agreeing to working under me as a subordinate, I would agree to take you to a place where no one knows who you are. A fresh new start, under my supervision of course, where no one from here can find you.”

“N-no one?”

“You… might see a familiar face or two, but if they were actually from here you would share my confusion.”

He bit his lip. “Just… sell my s-soul to you like that?”

“My father is more in tune with soul collection. For now I just need labor, consider yourself… lucky.”

He raised his eyebrows. “And i-is there any way out of the contract?”

“If I don’t need you or one of your “friends” manages to somehow follow you, consider it invalidated.” He outstretched his hand for the final time. “And do not worry, it’s not like I’ll just walk you to North Park or anything. Take a good last look at the stars of this sky.”

He stared at the hand. Slowly he reached over and grabbed it. “I… accept.”

Damien shook his hand. “Good! You will be my subordinate. With the name of-“

“Wendyl Testaburger. Call me Wendyl, please.”

_Maybe… all I really need to do is go away, after all…_

After the mysterious disappearance of the Testaburger car, and their daughter, some passersby were shocked by the indent in the snow around the pond the next morning. Like two bodies has been recently plucked out of the snow. The grass where snow should be had withered away. It almost looked scorched.

**Author's Note:**

> So this was actually written for my writing class :P A lame excuse, I know, but hey it got another chapter out of me! College, man.
> 
> Anyway, this is a prequel chapter to DUNGEONS AND DUMBASSES, which you can find on my account. Just remember, this is a pretty significant plot point in the story, so tread lightly if you wanna read it after this.


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